"If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake, and rammed it down your great festering gob", I said to the vicar. "Then I'd have poured scorching hot tea over your head you

stories

"If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake, and rammed it down your great festering gob", I said to the vicar. "Then I'd have poured scorching hot tea over your head you curmudgeonly rascal! Having inflicted vigilante justice on your sorry arse, I decided to humiliate you further by dressing you as a pink satin sissy and parading you along Regents Street with your pants around your ankles, singin "Do a diddy diddy dum diddy do." and continued, 'diddy diddy diddy, bum bum bum.' The man behind suddenly spoke up, 'I'm a record producer and you've got such a good voice, I want you to sing with a band I've got together. Only we haven;t got a singer yet'. "wwooo - I'm gonna be famous" But I'm scared. The exisistential crisis I will face upon becoming famous will be too much for me to bear, methinks. A child was of course out of the question given his work commitments at the local pickled foreskin factory, but a good hard thrubbing was altogether neccesary for his