Yesterday's paper blared the headline: 'Large Planet Explodes in Nearby Solar System'. We Earthlings didn't know that a race of huge beings, the Wilsons, were reconstructing the planet as a hobby. One Wilson, 8-year-old Tommy, assembled two forests

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Yesterday's paper blared the headline: 'Large Planet Explodes in Nearby Solar System'. We Earthlings didn't know that a race of huge beings, the Wilsons, were reconstructing the planet as a hobby. One Wilson, 8-year-old Tommy, assembled two forests worth of wank mags underneath his bed. Tommy was a practising pervert. When he grew up he hoped to join the Church of England. Renounce the evil ways of your former Shamanic Zoroastrianism. The Bishop of Northwark (who never felt he got his fair share of the limelight) seized his chance and said we must rid our land of these heathens and bring our people back to the true light, the true path: Neo-Socialist Catholism schism'd with Trotskite Taoism, with a little Environmental Lutherism for the Daily Mail readers. I call it 'New New Labour', join now and receive this prestigious peerage! 'Oh no, not another peerage!' said Nobby (soon to be Lord Nobsworth the first, aka Earl Nob of Nobsworth, the Right Honourable Nobby). I'd rather the 84 penis enlargement ads I answered had worked.